I’m not going to keep you guys long on this lovely Wednesday.
Positivity culture. You’ve probably seen it somewhere on social media. Someone posts about a negative experience and a seemingly well-meaning person responds by suggesting they focus on the positives or sending that person positive vibes. I feel like I’m a bit guilty of this. It ultimately comes off as dismissive since it suggests that a person is the cause of their discontentment. I prefer to post positive statements on my timeline, even if that’s incongruent to what I’m actually feeling. I “send” people positive vibes on Mondays and Wednesdays and try to support fellow writers in their endeavors. And some days, this feels like an utter lie. Let me explain.
When I was in my teens, I was very good at pretending that everything was okay when it wasn’t. During college, I descended to a point where I didn’t see the point of being here anymore. I existed in a state of perpetual sadness that was so deep and unrelenting, I didn’t think there was any other way for me to exist. I ultimately ended up dropping out. Years after, I went between a manageable sadness and a passive indifference to life.
The last couple of years, I found ways to change the way I deal with my depression. Some of it involves the way I think. while I don’t completely subscribe to positive affirmation, I do try to encourage myself to think positive thoughts. I try not to speak negatively about myself, and try to be more open with those around me. I have noticed considerable changes. Problems don’t seem as daunting, I have a better emotion capacity to listen to my friends, and I don’t find myself shying away from physical comfort. Still not the best at hugging, but I’m getting there. All of this was to say that sometimes I have a hard time navigating my positivity. On bad days, it seems I push harder to make those good thoughts happen and I consider it a success. But I have doubts. Do those thoughts even count? Am I really dealing my depression or trying to sweep it under the rug? Am I lying to everyone? To be honest, I’m still confused. I do know that I enjoy being happy and being a better friend. I want to be genuine, I genuinely want everyone to have good days because I know how draining bad days can be. It’s okay to want to be happy or sad or everything in between. But it’s important to feel, explore and process every emotion we experience to better understand ourselves. It’s one of the most human things we can do.
This post is brought to you by my sometimes-helpful-mostly-not writing partner, Chica. She’s an old lady with asthma and this pollen is really messing with her. She’s doing better now, if a little wheezy💕